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'Retired... Living in the Wood'
The following writing, including its closing prayer, is from the late 1990s.
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Let us go in the Spirit to the Jordan... and let us receive baptism with him [Jesus],... the baptism of tears.
*Theodore the Studite (b. 759), Monk and Abbot, Greek Orthodox Church
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It is an awful thing to be unable to lament, to cry, to be bound by tearlessness. To think courage is stoic survival. To resist the sharpness of emotional pain.
To deny our deep hurt, this is not freedom. Such toughness is selfish, godless, unspiritual, soul-less, inhuman, unnatural. It is not heroic but sick. And it evokes sickness of body and mind.
For many years I could not cry. Then I began having severe chest pains accompanied by panic attacks. I was broken by this acute muddle of suffering. Like a fallen glass, my stoicism shattered in the assault of physical pain and emotional bedlam. It was as though a fortress of my soul collapsed before the assaults of an army of demons of fear. I became a broken man, shattered and strewn, unable to pick myself up off the floor, emotionally and physically suffering a numbing paralysis. I could see no light anywhere. My life lay spread out before me, friends, and family in bits and pieces. It was an awful mystery I had descended into, an abyss of blinding darkness.
These months of acute suffering gave me back a precious gift: the gift of tears. I became able to weep openly when in physical pain. I often cried out of my emotional suffering when alone or with my wife. My brother had died about four years before, and I had endured it with little grieving and few tears. Right after his death, I had returned to school to defend my doctoral thesis and go back to work. Now I returned to his death and freely grieved, shedding tears in recollection of a good man's life cut way short and the vacancy it left the family and me. I even became able to cry out of my love for my pet dogs.
Often we men have been taught not to express emotional pain. "Boys don't cry" is an illusion we are taught while children. Girls are allowed more expression of emotional suffering. They generally seem to grow up knowing it is normal for girls to cry and express feelings. The illusion of rugged masculinity is loaded with spiritual and physical consequences.
Spiritual renewal will likely lead many of us to find the beautiful gift of tears. Some of us have never known the gift. We may be afraid of it.
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The Psalms (or, Mizmor), in the Jewish Scriptures, is bathed in the spirit of tears, drenched page after page. The gift of sobbing is evident on almost every page of that holy hymnbook. Some of the classic tear-filled passages Israel sang in worship express the naturalness and humanness of tears. The Psalmist sings -
I am worn out with grief;
every night my bed is damp from my weeping;
my pillow is soaked with tears.
*Psalm 6.6 (GNT)
Elsewhere the hymnal, in Psalm 42.3 (GNT), voices a painful sense of lostness and felt-separation from the Holy Presence -
Day and night I cry,
and tears are my only food;...
*Psalm 42.3 (GNT)
Can you imagine anyone recommending that diet to you?
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Jesus himself shows many signs of strength, but he could also cry. On the way to the tomb of his beloved friend, Lazarus, we read in the Gospel of John 11.35 (ISV), "Jesus burst into tears."
The writer of Hebrews recalled, "In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to the one who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission" (Hebrews 5.6, NRSV).
I have often thought the Apostle Paul a harsh man, and in some ways, he was harsh and lacked empathy. Yet he too had his soft and porous side. He, according to Acts 20.19 (NLT), spoke, "I have done the Lord's work humbly and with many tears."
And in Matthew 5.4 (NRSV), Jesus announces, "Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted." "You want to come to the Big Party," Jesus seems to say, "then become a crier." Of course, tears were not the real point, but the heart behind them. Tears can witness to a heart softened to the Presence.
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Tears may also be tears of joy. After my crisis period, I began to cry out of joy. Spontaneous tears. Recently I sat in a quiet chapel meditating. I was bathed in the Presence. It was so strong I was at a loss about how to respond to It. I was even uncomfortable with such bliss. Finally, I began moaning out loud with bowed head, crying, offering the sacrifice of tears. Those worshipful tears are offerings of joyfulness and gratitude to the Divine. They are a gift we return to the Source of tears. We do not choose the time to give the gift of tears back to the Giver. The gift received is by Grace, the gift returned is also by Grace.
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Tears are on one level drops of clear saline fluid secreted by the lacrimal gland and spread between the eye and eyelids to moisten the parts and facilitate their motion. But definitions never catch the mystery and feeling of gifts. Tears have a deeper, more meaningful dimension. They say something about the condition of our souls. They are a gift received and given, all in Grace. They speak feelings and ideas beyond the domain of words. They are each a sacrifice to the Divine. They are each a witness to the healing of our Selves and creation.
Maybe we would do well to seek the gift of tears. Maybe renewal personally and collectively will only come after a lot of heartful crying, bathing ourselves in tears. This will be at a good cost though, the cost of renouncing our sanitized and stiff-upper-lip worship. We will have to place faithful worship above our love of respectability. Being immersed in the Jordan filled with tears may not be seen as good manners by many. Still, weeping is an immersion necessary for healing.
Dear Lord, grant us the gift of tears, open our mouths to voice our inarticulate pain and joy, open the fount of our eyes that they might pour forth to You a sacrifice acceptable and well-pleasing. Let us find healing amidst tears. May tears wet a pathway toward our healing and the healing of Your world. Amen.
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*(C) Brian K. Wilcox, 2020
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse. The book is a collection of poems based on mystical traditions, especially Christian and Sufi, with extensive notes on the teachings and imagery in the poetry.
*To contact Brian, write to LotusoftheHeart@gmx.com .
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